"How do you have so many friends?"

I get asked this question often. More often than my inner child could've ever imagined.

"How come you know so many people? How do you have so many friends?"

My partner even made up an imaginary drinking game: take a shot every time Vale runs into someone on the street. (Still waiting on the day they take the shots.)

There's a reason why I get this question and why my partner thought of this funny game. Every time I'm in the street for an hour or more, I'm almost guaranteed to run into someone. And, unpopular opinion: I love running into people. It feels like a little surprise from life, a little gift in my day.

But it wasn't always this way. I haven't always been this person.

I made friends everywhere when I was a very young child (like, pre-pre-school young). I talked to kids in playgrounds, adults in restaurants, and rocks if they were the only ones around.

And then I started school, and I started getting bullied. Over the years, I became incredibly insecure and lonely. I felt unable to walk into a room and make friends. I'd gone so far from my curious, friendly nature.

Eventually, something started to shift again. I knew I wanted things to be different. And I decided to re-learn how to make friends. Sometimes it feels like I blinked, and the next thing I knew, there's a drinking game for when I run into people on the street.

I decided to find out what had shifted. How had I made it easy again? I spent a few years figuring out what I'd done and even created a six-week coaching program to help kids and teenagers.

Today, I want to share a part of it with you: I want to show you the fastest way to go from strangers to friends.

It's laid out step-by-step, so you know what to do the next time you're in a room filled with people you've never met.

Are you ready?

Let's dive in!

1. Make sure your body language is on your side.

How does your body react in a room full of people? Do you go into yourself, scared and insecure? Or do you show up openly, ready to connect?

In your mind, you may be dying to connect with others, waiting for someone to approach you. But your body might very well be signaling to everyone, "Stay away, don't talk to me; I see you as a threat."

You may be nervous. That's normal. And your body's instinct might be to close up and contract into yourself. But if you can change your body language and make yourself seem open and approachable, that's half the work done.

Good pointers for body language are:

• keep your arms at your sides, avoid crossing your arms

• avoid placing objects in between you and others, like bags, your laptop, etc

• keep your shoulders back and relaxed

• Avoid being on your phone

• keep your head up and seek eye contact

• if you do make eye contact, smile!

All of this is an invitation to be approached or to seem more friendly.

Of course, it's a start, but you can only depend partially on others approaching you. So I'm a big proponent of working with what's in your hands, and if others reach out is not.

So let's keep going

2. Dish out compliments like there's no tomorrow

Starting conversations is HARD, especially if you're naturally shy.

Picture this: you're standing in the middle of a room, looking at someone who seems cool. You want to talk to them, but your mind is going, "Well, what would I even say? "Hi"? Why would they even talk to me?"

I know that fear all too well.

But I found one way of talking to others that always makes them want to connect with you and that, if you play your cards right, can become a great conversation starter.

And that's COMPLIMENTS.

Everyone loves receiving compliments (yes, even those acting like they don't.) However, not all compliments are created equal.

Some will get you a thank you and a smile.

Some will make you start a conversation, make others feel connected to you, and open the way for a new relationship.

We can all agree the second type is better.

There’s three things you need to consider to give an amazing compliment:

• SPECIFICITY: "Omg, you look so pretty" will get you a thank you and a smile. "wow, that color of shirt looks great with your skin" makes someone feel special. Alternatively, you can do the first one, get a thank you, and follow up with the second part.

• HONESTY: all compliments will fall flat if you don't mean them. You can't do this as a part of a checklist. You need to believe what you're saying. People can always feel the difference.

• FOLLOW-UP: no matter how good the compliment is, if you only say it and leave it at that, the conversation will die right then and there. So, let's learn to avoid that next.

3. Ask good questions

The best way to follow up a compliment so the conversation continues is to ask a question.

To make it as natural as possible, make the questions related to the compliment. Here are a few examples:

"Wow, I love how your shirt makes your eyes pop."
"Thank you! It's one of my favorites."
"I can imagine! Where did you get it?"

"I love your hair color!"
"Thank you, I always wanted to dye it purple!"
"Well, it looks great. And it's so healthy, too! So who's your stylist?"

But you can also change the topic.

For example,

"Wow, I love how your shirt makes your eyes pop."
"Thank you! It's one of my favorites."
"I can imagine! Hey, where do you know Andrew from?"

(in this scenario, Andrew is the host, lol)

The point of the first question is to keep the conversation alive. For the following sentences, continue asking questions and listening for answers. At this point, only talk about yourself if directly asked. Your goal is to make the other person feel you're interested in what they have to say.

Again, this has to be genuine, or else one of two things happens:

• They feel how fake you're being, and they'll feel like rejecting you instead of connecting

• You'll end up in a conversation you don't even want to be having.

4. Find common interests

As the conversation advances, it will probably become easier to keep it going. The first few phrases have the most friction. But eventually, you're just chatting.

At this point, use the information you've gained from asking questions and start using it to find common ground with them: a shared hobby, a band you both like, a dream you both have.

Why are you both in the same place in the first place?

We like people who are like us. That feeling of recognizing yourself in another is crucial for connection. So if you find that you are both similar, you've prepared the perfect scenario for a friendship.

Try to go down these rabbit holes of common interests: Do you like the same bands? Talk about songs, album theories, concerts, etcetera.

Try to keep the topic in one of two things:

• them

• the common interests you've found

Avoid making it all about you. The more you can make it about them, the faster they feel connected to you. And once they do, they'll probably start asking about you. So you don't need to create a monologue.

5. Solidify the friendship with a contact exchange.

There was something I did a lot as a kid: I'd go up to my mom in a McDonald's playground and tell her, "Mom, mom! I made a friend!"

She'd ask me, "Oh, great! What's their name?"

"I don't know," I'd answer, and go back and play.

So I made friends everywhere, but I never actually kept them.

Now, it's easier than ever to keep connections after creating them: ask for their number or Instagram handle, and send them a quick message!

If you want this to be a more profound friendship, and not just an acquaintance, make plans with them. Decide when you’ll see each other next.

Friendships, especially when you're older, are like dating: You meet an incredible person. You see if you're similar enough. You connect with them. You start hanging out, and it's a little nerve-wracking.

And with time, it becomes more natural, and you've got a friend!

A reminder

Not all friendships need to be soul-tying friendships that change your life. I have tons of friends that others may only call acquaintances. However, I do choose to see these people as my friends.

They're just friends to a different degree.

There are once-a-year friends, there are "I tell you everything" friends, there are "we met once at a party" friends, and the list goes on. But, to me, recognizing these relationships as friendships is essential. It gives them a particular place in my heart.

I discuss this further here, breaking down Aristotle's Three Types of Friendships.

And contrary to popular belief, love is an unlimited resource. You have endless amounts of it inside you. And considering how short our lives are, you might as well give it out freely and make as many friends as you can.

I hope your week is filled with new connections, smiles from strangers, and happy surprises.

Until next Wednesday!

-Vale, The Friendly Artist