The weird in-betweens of transformation

We all know the story, right?

Somebody goes from rags to riches, from sick to healthy, from miserable to ecstatic about life.

There's a before picture, and an after picture. But what happens with all the in-betweens?

We are not seeing the full picture

It's so easy to get frustrated when this is how all success stories are presented to us. I'm not above it. It's happened to me lately, more than I'd want to admit.

We should also mention, we often see the after: successful, happy, fit people on the internet. There is always someone doing better than us. And it's easy to resent them. Or, on the other hand, resent ourselves for not being them. Why is it so easy for them?

Why this is messing us up

We are missing the thick of the story when we see things this way: in a before and an after. I'm not here to talk about how successful people work harder and put in extra hours or whatever discourse has been spoon-fed to us by so much "motivational" content.

Yes, some of those people have worked harder and have put in extra hours that others haven't. I'm not trying to diminish those efforts either.

What I'm trying to say is in most cases, there's months to years of a difference between the before and the after. And you may know this, it's not like these people are necessarily hiding this reality from us either.

But the reality of experiencing that in-between is most often overlooked.

Why?

Because it's messy, complex, frustrating. It's not as glamorous. Even if it does get portrayed, the intensity you feel in those moments in the trenches is hard to convey.

When you're in that in-between, you have nothing to show for it. You haven't reached greatness yet. You aren't the after picture. You aren't the before picture either.

And maybe that's worse.

Because when you're in the before picture, your hopes are high, motivation is high, everything seems possible. But in the in-between, so many moments just seem like doors closed in your face, obstacles too big to overcome. You know what your ideal after picture is, and you're not there yet.

Can I be honest with you? Right now, many things are feeling like that in-between stage in my life.

It's not the first time I'm here, and it surely won't be the last time either.

So what am I doing to remain sane in the process? These are the mental frameworks I'm using:

1. Looking back:

This week I had a big realization about looking back.

It's so looked down upon to search in our pasts for answers. But there's a lot of comfort in taking a moment to realize you're not the before picture anymore.

When you're always looking for those big end goals, those after pictures, it's easy to lose sight of the path you've already walked. It is refreshing to see how far you've come. Yes, there is still a long road ahead, but it's shorter than it was when you started.

This is a reminder to give yourself a pat on the back for everything you've already accomplished.

2. Input>Output

There are two parts to any transformation: the input (what you do) and the output (what you get.)

Here's the thing: most of the time, the output is what we're looking for. But the output is out of our control. The speed, size, and quality of our results is, in great measure, out of our hands.

The only thing we can control is our input: what we do. So what am I focusing on instead?

• my actions

• my thoughts

• my focus

• my intentions

This is something I need to remind myself of often. And I won't say it's always easy. Sometimes, the frustration of not being where I want to be yet feels overpowering. It becomes debilitating.

But I find that this generally is cancelled out by action: remembering what's in my control (my input), and doubling down on that.

3. Raw honesty and expression

Listen, I'm an artist. I will always mention something about expression.

But the main thing I want to highlight here is honesty. Expressing our fears, frustrations, and desires is a very vulnerable thing. Even when you are just whispering them to yourself.

Now, let it be known: I'm calling myself out here.

You can tell yourself what you need to hear to keep advancing on the path you're walking. And I strongly believe in the power of perspective, in seeing things in the best possible light.

But sometimes, it's worth recognizing that you're tired. Frustrated. Burnt out. Whatever it is you're feeling. There is a difference between trying to stay positive and being in denial. Even if you, like me, do your best to see the good in everything, that doesn't mean everything can be good all the time.

I'm learning lately to hold space for my negative feelings, too. To express them, at least to myself. (for me, I do that through creation: writing, drawing, singing, etc.) Recognizing what about this in-between is uncomfortable has given me power. Why?

Because I can only transform what I allow myself to see.

Seeing those fears, that pain, that exhaustion, has been crucial. It's led me to question what I can do instead.

It made me realize I can (and need) to rest a little, even in the pursuit of soul-engulfing, hear-lifting, wonderful dreams.

4. Grace

In early childhood Montessori education, children receive lessons on "grace and courtesy." If courtesy is being kind to others, grace is being kind to yourself. I think many of us weren't taught this, or we forget it along the way.

Grace is giving yourself the love, support, and encouragement you need. It's so easy to fall into negative self-talk cycles when we're not yet where we wish to be. The challenge of talking kindly to ourselves in the process is a big one. But the difference it makes is even bigger.

Think about it like this: what are the odds that beating yourself up will make you move faster or go further? Not much, right? Okay, so what are the odds that being loving and encouraging to yourself will make the process easier and lighter? Seems more reasonable, doesn't it?

I don't say this to be sappy. It's genuinely practical to be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace.

You're doing your best. You're just in the in-between.

A little challenge:

Here's my suggestion for you this week.

I'm going to share with you some journaling prompts I've used for my current in-betweens. Try out at least two of these questions.

It doesn't matter if you've never journaled before. It's not something you either do right or wrong. It's just something you do for clarity of mind. Pinky promise you'll feel better after.

1. Where was I a year ago? Where am I now? How is now better? And what about it changed because of my actions?

2. What three actions could I take today, that would move me closer to who I want to be?

3. What am I really feeling?

4. What could I let go of, that would make this in-between lighter?

5. What did I accomplish in the last week, that I could congratulate myself for?

6. If I knew I couldn't fail, what dream would I be pursuing?

My favorite is the last one, honestly. I think it's always worth it to try to do those things. The ones we wish for so much, they become a little scary. The ones with high stakes.

Even with all the complicated in-betweens, they're worth the jump.

Here's some music you can listen to while you write:

I hope you have a beautiful day, filled with warmth and self-compassion.

On this side, I'm doing my best to create one for myself.

-Vale, the friendly artist

P.S.: If you try the prompts, please tell my how it went! I'd love to hear about your experience.