The Secret to Better Friendships

I used to be a very lonely (and frankly, miserable) child.

For most of my childhood and early teenage years, I felt like no one got me. I had all the ideas on what a friend should do and be. For years, I remember telling my mom “I don’t care about having lots of friends, I just want someone I can call my best friend.”

In my mind, this best friend was someone who would do everything with me and like everything I liked. Someone who would always be there, through the good and the bad. Someone who would celebrate my highs with me, and comfort me through the lows.

Life taught me two crucial lessons, over and over, until I got them:

1. This person does not exist

2. I had done nothing to deserve a friend like that yet

Now, that sounds sort of hopeless, doesn’t it?

So what can you do instead?

1. Adjust your expectations

2. Become a better friend

Let me explain:

There is no perfect friend out there (sorry)

If, like younger me, you’ve wished for that best friend, the one who will be there for every moment you need them, tolerate any of your mistakes, and love you unconditionally, I’m sorry to tell you you’re in for a disappointment.

If this perfect person existed, they would need to have no needs or life of their own: you’re assuming they would always be available to invest time and energy into you. This is not realistic.

And, even if a person who was close to this existed, they would eventually make some sort of mistake: forget your birthday, or not be there when you’re going through a tough time, or hate something you love deeply.

And their perfect image would be forever flawed in your eyes.

It’s a pretty inconsiderate way to build a friendship, all things considered.

So what’s the better alternative?

Two things need to change:

First, accept that this perfect person does not exist, and judge people less harshly.

No, they’re not a fake friend because they get along with someone you don’t like.
And no, they don’t love you less because they don’t like the same movies you do.
And no, they didn’t forget your birthday because they don’t care about you, they just had a very busy day.

Seeing things this way will save you a lot of anger and stress, which you only feel because of your expectations, not because of their actions.

Second, you need to avoid putting all your needs in the hands of a single person. By building an abundance of friendships, you can find pieces of the different things you want to share with a friend in different people.

This way, you can have a friend who can share your love for Korean food with you, a friend who you can paint with, and a friend with who you can talk about the meaning of life.

Instead of seeking a perfect friendship with a single person, choose to have great friendships with many people.

This will be more fulfilling, lead to less disappointment, and drive fewer friendships to burn out.

Be the friend you want to have

I used to have all these fantasies of friends who would do special things for me: make interesting plans, give me gifts that showed they knew me, or just friends that know what to say when I feel sad.

But I wasn’t that kind of friend.

So how could I be wishing and hoping for someone to be willing to do it for me, when I didn’t do it for anyone either?

There’s something I want to highlight here, especially when it comes to special activities or plans: your friends would probably love to do those special activities. But most people don’t have the initiative to come up with them or the proactiveness to plan them.

If you wish you could have a tea party where all your friends dress like fairies, plan it and invite your friends. Matter of fact, tell them to invite their friends too. They’ll probably show up, and you’ll even make new friends.

If you want to take a weekend trip to the beach, find the Airbnb, offer to plan it for your friends and just ask them to pay their part. Probably a few people will say yes.

If you want to create a short film for a story you wrote, invite your friends to be actors and play around with the project. They might be just as excited as you are about the story.

The thing is, community doesn’t happen by accident.

Friends don’t just fall from the sky, and neither do friend groups.

They’re not going to find you on their own.

You need to take conscious actions to build the friendships, communities, and experiences you want to be a part of. Then, just invite others along.

Before you know it, you’ll be surrounded by great friends, who are now starting to realize that maybe their ideas and plans for special activities can also happen.

The platinum rule

You’ve probably heard of the golden rule: treat others how you want to be treated.

But I’ll do you one better: treat others how they want to be treated.

This improves every connection automatically. From friendships to family to romantic relationships.

To be able to fulfill this rule, you need to pay very close attention to those you love:

• What do they like?

• What do they dislike?

• What makes them the happiest?

• What makes them feel special?

By understanding this, you can now treat them like they want to be treated. And then, the law of reciprocity kicks in: it’s very likely they’ll start treating you like you want to be treated.

People respond to how you make them feel

This is the universal truth that ties together everything we talked about today:

If you place a lot of expectations on your friends to be perfect and fill all your needs, they’ll feel pressured and take distance.

If you make them feel welcome and excited about having plans with you, odds are they’ll always be happy to see you

If you make them feel like you get them, and know them, they’ll want to make you feel the same way.

So, the easiest path to getting the friends you want is simply to be an excellent friend to others.

And the surprising part is, making this effort for people you love will make you grow into a better person than you are.

Yes, for them, but in the end, also probably better in your own eyes.

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I hope the rest of your week feels like getting knocked off your feet by a wave, and laughing even as you swallow salt water and your eyes sting a little. Like hearing a loved one’s voice for the first time in months. Like reading a sentence over and over without getting it, but then having it finally make sense.

Talk to you next Wednesday!

-Vale, The Friendly Artist.