Hey!

Hope your week is going great.

Let me tell you a story.

I used to be a very lonely child.

When I was 11, my math teacher told my parents it was bad that I was a straight-A student but had no friends. She said this represented imbalance, and that it was better if my grades dropped a little but I made some friends. I got very mad.

How dare she say my grades should drop? How dare she judge my loneliness, when it was eating me alive? What did she know about my priorities?

With the years, her words proved to be true.

In the process, I learned some parts of my inability to make friends were my fault. I don’t say that to talk down on myself, or my inner child. It’s just the truth.

You may be making these mistakes, too.

They may be costing you friends. They may be costing you happiness. They may be costing you peace of mind.

So today, I’ve come to tell you what my main 3 mistakes were, and how to avoid them.

Expecting permanence

There's this common story about friendship we all see in movies.

You know the one: the childhood friend you met in preschool and never parted from. As the years pass, they're there for everything: high school, college, your first heartbreak, and the first time you get fired. It ends with them becoming your bridesmaid or best man.

Some people have this. And they're very lucky.

But most of us don't. Yet, since the story has become so popular, we expect it. Once we become good friends with someone, we expect them to be there forever.

If it ends, we say things like "they weren't a true friend." We imply that because they left, the love they showed or the things they said are suddenly all fake.

This, first of all, is fake. A friendship ending doesn’t mean it wasn’t true. And second, it doesn't help anyone. It's an attempt to shield ourselves from pain and loss. But it still hurts, doesn't it?

This dialogue only gives us resentment and anger towards someone who left. But their leaving doesn't mean they didn't love us, or that they weren't sincere.

There's a lot we can gain from understanding that relationships don't work this way. In understanding that relationships change with time. That old ones often fade, and new ones appear, and that this is natural and good.

Most of all, in understanding that this doesn't mean that someone doesn't love us.

There's a lot of freedom in being able to say "I love the friendship that we have right now, and I'm not holding you to the impossible standard of staying here forever." Or in saying "well, this person left. But they loved me a lot while they were here, and I can love their memory and let them go."

Involuntary Selfishness

This is a silent killer.

There's a lot of discourse today about reciprocation in relationships. And I'm not saying it's not important.

But I believe it blinds us from what relationships and friendships are truly for.

When you're constantly thinking about reciprocation, you're thinking about

• what you get

• what others do for you

• how they show you love

The problem with this is it keeps us in a defensive state, in which we're only willing to give as much as we get. This can go south very, very easily. We become selfish - often without meaning to.

What I've found is that there is a much more fulfilling way to think about friendship: thinking about what I can give. What I can add to the lives of those I love. This looks like

• What I can give

• How I can show love

• How I can help others

• NOT keeping score as to who's giving more

This isn't about selflessness.

Sure, it seems to be a byproduct. But really, it's much more fulfilling for ME to think about what I give. I believe the easiest way to feel love within you is to give it. If the first version is involuntary selfishness, this would be intentional selfishness.

The kind of selfishness that ensures I feel good in the relationships I'm in, while also finding ways to make others happy in the process.

The kind of selfishness that creates a win-win situation.

The kind of selfishness that lets me keep friends for longer.

Assuming

The coolest English teacher I ever had once gave us a powerful lesson: “when you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.”

It’s a funny way to say it, but it’s stuck with me since.

At one point, being bullied as a child, I learned to assume stuff about others. About how the other kids were bad people, and about how no one would want to connect with me.

I also assumed this couldn’t change. That it was all out of my control.

And of course, nothing ever changed. My beliefs made sure of it. It was a tough cycle to break out of.

But once I did, I was able to

• make friends easily

• keep friends easily

• improve my communication skills

• become friends with the very people who bullied me

Once I stopped assuming who others were and what they believed about me, everything changed.

The big lesson

I thought to make and keep friends, everything around me should change.

But I learned the solution was in the mirror all along. It was all in my hands.

I learned to enjoy friendships for as long as they last. That if a friendship ends, that doesn’t mean it was fake or worthless. I learned to think of giving, and not of getting. I learned to not assume things about others, and that change is always possible. I learned to start with what is in my hands to change.

And I became much happier in return. I became someone who has a really easy time making friends, and who feels loved consistently by them.

This didn’t happen because I changed others. It happened because I changed my beliefs about others.

The biggest obstacle in your social skills isn’t the people around you. It’s your beliefs about them.

Remember my math teacher when I was 11?

Well, she was right. When I started making friends, my grades did drop a little. And I was also happier. And more balanced.

Of course, it hurt when she told me that. It highlighted my biggest insecurity and pain at the time.

But it also taught me that it was in my hands to change that.

And I hope, if this is hurting you right now, you realize it is also in your hands to change it.

Before we go, here are this week's art recs:

Poem: Mrs. Ribeiro - Sarah Kay

This week, I want to share a spoken-word poem with you: my favorite kind of poem. This is a poem by my favorite poet that reminds me why I love teaching.

Movie: Frances Ha

This movie does an excellent job of talking about the complexities of friendship and life in your 20s. I've watched it over 6 times and it always teaches me something new.

Louder than words

This beautiful song from Tick, Tick... Boom! never fails to make me feel like there is something more to life.

“cages or wings, which do you prefer? ask the birds"

I choose wings. And you?

I hope the rest of your week feels like having a shoulder to lean on when you're tired, or sad. I hope you get a moment that truly feels like rest.

And I hope I get to keep writing to you, week after week.

I'm enjoying this more than I ever imagined.

Love,

-Vale, The Friendly Artist